Finally, four months into my pregnancy, I can say confidently I am pregnant and I’m on the path to feeling great about it.
I didn’t start out that way. A few months ago? I was this picture. On the edge of a cliff about to let the wind carry me away. When I say I was shocked at how terrible I felt, I do not say that lightly. I was a mix bag of 24 hour sadness, nauseous and a mono/flu level weakness that left me grasping for my “old” life.
While we’re excited about the pregnancy, I was not happy or excited about how “weak” I felt. I spent the previous months exploring all different types of practice off my mat. Running, weight lifting, kettle bells, TRX. And within the blink of an eye, it came to an end.
It wasn’t because I felt like it had to but because I could physically not do much but walk around the block. Coming to terms with this overwhelming physical and mental weakness has been a long road to travel.
And like most things it requires constant practice…repeatedly returning again and again to where we are, in space, in this current moment. Not where we want to be, not where we think we should be because of where we were yesterday, but where we actually are in our entirety.
Sutra 1.12 Abhyasa/Practice - Vairagya/Non-attachment - Both are required to still the patterns and cessations of the mind.
I’ve accepted that I will not be going upside down for the next 9 months because when I do, I feel like all of my organs are being pushed into my lungs and through my throat. I’ve come to terms with the fact that where, months ago I was running a few times a week, now a brisk walk up a hill makes me winded like I’m climbing the Great Wall of China. And most of all, I’ve accepted that I can now sit and stare at a wall, in complete exhaustion from watching Netflix all day (walking to the kitchen can really wear a girl out) and not feel bad about it.
Yes dear husband, I tried to walk around the block. I truly did.
It wasn’t the sound of the baby’s heart beat that helped me accept my new role, but the image of he/she’s spinal column. Seeing the natural curves of a spine, unadulterated by the daily grind of sitting too much and spending too much time on our phones literally took my breathe away.
We made that.
I’ve been watching this babe develop on the fetal monitor through my many, many, many
“advanced maternal age” doctor visits and I’m learning to cherish that this body, my body, is now a vessel for growth and strength in more ways than what I ever previously thought was possible.
Yoga has given me the space to see this. And once again, I can say that yoga has fully saved me from myself. I realized the more I consciously breathed, the less anxious I felt. I saw myself returning to mantras that I only toyed with in the past, but now they seemed almost automatic, playing a deeply profound part in grounding my heart and brain.
Breathe in - I am
Breathe out - Here now
So for now, my runs have turned into walks, my hand stands into legs up the wall and my kettlebell swings into shrugs. I’m redefining my expectation of what being strong really means by letting go of any expectations at all.
May this carry me softly through the next 5 months…